That's what I was given 12 years ago, a choice. A right to choose for myself. A decision. So I did, I chose, I chose to throw away life. A life God had given me. A baby, my baby. I didn't understand what I was doing at the time, although even then it hurt tremendously. I thought it was the best decision to make, as many people who choose abortion do. For whatever their personal circumstance: abuse, poverty, irresponsibility, selfishness, shame, the list goes on and on...... What I didn't take into consideration was that I was designed by a wonderful maker, God, to bear children. That, for the rest of my life, I would grieve the decision I made. That the instincts I was designed for would rub me raw at the core of my being for my 'choice'. Oh man. What a decision.
It was ok though, I'll admit. With any loss, life goes on. Time patches holes left in you, and you trudge forward with leftover residue affecting the other parts of your life; anger, depression, guilt. I pushed my 'choice' deep inside of myself, and there it stayed. After all, it wasn't going anywhere, it was a permanent scar. A scar I chose to bear because I deserved it. It wasn't until I was saved a few years ago that I started to share my 'choice' with a few select people: (My husband had always known) people in my Church, my pastor at Harvest Bible Chapel, a few close friends, even my brothers. Well, it's a part of my testimony really so I didn't want to hide it any longer. I just felt like God wanted me to get the yuk out and start moving forward in his wonderful forgiveness. Believe me, it was a process, and still is.
God lined me up with this incredible woman named TJ Ellis that works at a women's center called CHOICES, ha ha. Now isn't that ironic? After talking with her a bit, I decided that I had a desire to relate to women like myself. I then took the next step to go through a 6 week study for post-abortive women and was blown away at the healing that was yet to be done. I just want to say that this organization is amazing. Their goal is to truly help women. Yes, they want you to choose life, but sometimes people don't. CHOICES doesn't turn their back on these women; they help them even if the decision goes against what they ultimately stand for. They call themselves CHOICES for a reason; because they know it's still a choice. They are there to try to inform you and help you make the best choice possible, but at the end of the day it's your choice to make. Even if it's a decision that you have to carry like a dagger in your heart for the rest of your life, it's yours. They are there to help you pick up the pieces and point you back to love and forgiveness.
This study wasn't easy, it opened up my wound and I had to see it for what it was. There was much praying, much crying, much grieving involved, but it was healing and it was necessary. It was necessary for myself, and for my child, Katie, that I chose to abort, but it was also necessary to my family now. To make peace with inner turmoil I didn't even realize I had, or didn't know where it was stemming from. I have been released from emotional bondage that had strapped me down for 12 years.
I guess I am writing this to be an encouragement to other women that may have been through a similar experience but are not willing to talk about it or feel shamed from it. That may have also taken the road of stuffing it deep and covering it up with a new family, success, busyness, or the opposite: depression, isolation, unworthiness. I would love to connect with you. I would love for you to be able to share your story with someone who has walked in similar shoes and has come out on the other side of healing (work in progress). We are not perfect, no none of us and I thank the Lord, Jesus Christ that we are offered forgiveness through him.
Romans 3:23-24 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.
I wrote this for my daughter, Katie:
Not even for a moment, I never knew you dear.
I never got to hold your hand or wipe away your tears.
I took your life for granted and made it disappear.
Not even for a moment, I never knew you dear.
But all the while, I loved you, and stored you deep inside.
I stuffed you down into a place that no one else could find.
I kept you there all tucked away, and never made a peep.
Until the day that Jesus Christ came and rescued me.
And now it's time to give you meaning, life you never had.
A chance to have a place and home, a family, a mom, and dad.
For you will always be my second, the one I threw away,
but today I give you purpose, meaning, and dignity.
Not even for a moment, I never knew you dear.
I'm sorry and I love you and can't wait to hold you near.
If you are trying to make a decision regarding a pregnancy, or if you are grieving or trying to process a decision that has already been made or other pregnancy loss, or if you just need information, please get in touch with CHOICES Chattanooga (<~~ Click the link for their website or call them at 423-892-0803). All of their services are free and confidential. You can also like the CHOICES Facebook page for more info.
If you are someone who wants to support life or support women making informed decisions or support women after their decisions are made, please go 'like' the Friends of Choices Pregnancy Resource Center on Facebook. They often provide updates about needs they have, such as diaper donations or fundraising opportunities, and it is a great way to get involved with this very important organization!
Thank you for reading.